


Love is a ruthless game (unless you play it good and right)

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Series: Love isn't always on time [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Sexual Content, bff au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 05:25:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3884020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when your best friend leaves, without an explanation, without telling you the obvious reason? What do you do when you're Clarke Griffin and you're supposed to have everything under control, but without <em>her</em> there´s no control?</p><p>Clarke's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love is a ruthless game (unless you play it good and right)

With her back pressed up against the wall you got her cornered and you demand to know why she's doing this. You stare at her with a questioningly gaze and you hope that it burns everywhere, that she's unable to question your intentions. Still, you can't hold back the confusion and hurt. You feel your muscles slowly lose some of the tension and by the look of her, she notices it too. You can't help but feel like she's doing this to hurt you, like she means to break your heart, because that's what she's doing.

She looks like she's about to say something and you steel yourself for the answer.

She kisses you instead.

It happens so quickly. One second there's space between you and the next she has eliminated every inch of it. She tastes of that orange juice she loves and her minty toothpaste. Her lips are determined, but soft, unsure. She pulls back for a moment, for less time than you have time to notice, and then kisses you again. More determined this time and you can't help it, you want it too. You want _her_. You push forward, gently, meet her halfway and melt into her. It comes natural, like you've done this before. You drag your tongue across her bottom lip, wanting more, and then she parts her lips, giving you the permission you need to take what you _need_. She lets out a moan as you fold your hand around her neck to bring her tighter to you. Her response is to pull you close with fingers pulling at your pants by the loops.

It feels so fucking good. Like you're high and haven't been for ages, like you've known how it feels to fly but this is the first time your wings will carry you. She reaches up with her right hand and entangle it in your hair, gently pulling back, making you tilt your head slightly back and when your mouths disconnect she bites down on your bottom lip and sucks it in between her teeth. A sound you didn't knew was even human slips your tongue and she lets go of your hair, you take the chance to prove that you too can make her sound just as animalistic. 

You grind down on her with your hips, pushing a leg between hers as you twist your tongue. The only thought in your mind is loud enough to let the whole block know what you're up to and the only thing that can quiet it down is to keep going. She tastes so good, especially the noises drowned between you and in your kisses. All of a sudden you can feel her tense up, even though she doesn't move or give you any sign of wanting to stop. Still it blocks you and makes you wonder what she's thinking about. You break the kiss and trace down her jawline with light kisses.

“What´s wrong?”, you breathe against the spot below her ear before kissing it hard, almost leaving a mark after you.

“Finn”. 

“What about Finn?”, you reply with a laugh as your lips brush against the lobe of her ear. She's quiet, but her body is loud enough to let you know that you're hitting the right spots.

“Are you guys over?".

You don't say it. Don't need to. All you have to do is stop, which you do, even though you really don't want to. With your mouth close to her ear, your breaths caressing the sweet and soft skin of her neck, you stop moving altogether. You hope that she doesn't notice it and you swallow quickly and lean in to continue your path down her neck. 

“Raven”, you murmur in hope that her name will erase the moment that just passed.

“I have to go”.

She pushes you off and rushes to the bags, rips them up from the floor. You can hear the door slam open and you turn around to see her disappear around the corner down the stairs.

“Raven!”.

Your lips are numb, as if they've been stung by electricity. You are frozen to the floor, facing the still open door, unable to move. You'd imagined this, how you would be thoughtless and speechless. That everything would turn on its edge and bring you right down to the ground again. But it doesn't. In your mind you process everything, every single thing that has happened since that first night. You don't want to know that you knew. But you did. You did know somewhere deep down that you were only avoiding the unavoidable event that slowly, but far from subtle, approached. When it happened, all the things you kept at a distance came crushing down. It felt so good, too good to not relish and soak in. 

_She_ felt too good to not give in to.

Your throat hurts from what you have trouble understanding. You can't remember why you're even here, in the apartment. Normally you're at Finn's. It's a Thursday, the day after your date night. You shouldn't be here. If you hadn't walked in at the time you did, nothing of this would have happened.

She kissed you. Raven kissed you. And you, you kissed her back. Without second guessing your motives. You kissed her. It was the wrong thing to do. You're with Finn and no matter how much of a douchebag he has an ability of being he's still a good person. A person you shouldn't cheat on. Is kissing even cheating, you dare to think for yourself even though you know the answer. Because you've already had this discussion. With Finn, four months ago when you hadn't become official just yet. You try to swallow, but your throat is too dry and it aches.

You can hear it, your own voice. That's why it hurts - you screamed. When she run out, you screamed.

Without thinking about it you run right after her, following the steps she took, stumbling down the stairs and fall out of the door. You turn right, but there's nothing, no red jacket or black ponytail. You turn left, but there's nothing, no sign of her even being anywhere near you. You are forced out of the way by a group of kids with matching clothes and backpacks, their teacher tells them about the college with an enthusiastic expression. It's written all over her face that she once attended your school. The kids eye you one by one, all with a skeptic eye, like if they're wondering if your even human. You're not even sure what you look like in this state, because nothing feels as it should. You get your phone out and press the first speed dial. The tones ring, one after another.

"Come on", you mumble to yourself and stomp restlessly where you're standing. You are connected to the voice-mail. "Fuck". The teacher glances over at you and you stare back for a moment before pressing the speed dial again. "Please Raven, pick up". You count the tones, mostly because you don't know what to do with yourself.

One. _Where are you?_

Two. _Fucking shit, pick up Raven!_

Three. _Please, please, please._

Four. _Fucking stupid shit fuck!_

Five. _Raven, where are you? Why aren't you picking up?_

Seven. _I'm sorry, please, just pick up and we'll get through this._

Eight. _"Hey you've reached Raven Reyes but I'm too busy doing shit to care about yours. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you"_.

"Fucking shit!", you yell and push furiously at the red button. When you look up the teacher has been joined by three other observers, and that´s what they are doing - observing you, with judgment written all over their faces. You glare back at them. "What?! What are you looking at?".

The sixth time you call you're informed that the number has been disconnected and that you should try again later. Which of course makes you mumble a few more curse words and they are all turning the kids attention to you. The teacher quickly steers her students away from you with a disturbed look. All you want to do is to go off on her, but it simmers down the same second that that thought finds you. You breathe out heavy and pinch the bridge of your nose, the same hand run through your hair and you feel it all settle inside you. She's not going to pick up. Then it hits you, the fear and sheer terror as you look back at the door you flew out of a couple of minutes ago. Another deep breath leaves your mouth before you can move again.

This should never have happened.

Feet carry you back up the stairs you rushed down a moment earlier. They feel heavier, it takes longer to reach the right floor and the distance you have to move to reach the door is enough to set off an avalanche of thoughts in your head. You jog to the door, shut it behind you with a quick motion and steer towards the room to the left. _Raven's_ room. You reach for the handle, but you don't turn it. Your breath is caught somewhere in your chest. Once again you are frozen to the floor and it feels unreal.

 _This_ should never have happened.

A flashback from the first night plays before your eyes. How you came stumbling through the front door with that stack of books covering your view. How all you heard was a laugh and then a question if you needed any help. How the first thing you noticed were her kind and lively eyes, her smile tainted by that addictive charm, her incredible mindset and openness. How you stood before this very door a couple of hours later that night, how you had turned the handle like you've been friends forever and how you were met by a kind smile.

You force a deep breath and internally you count to ten. Then, an unsteady hand tries to turn the handle without making much sound. The door slides open and you feel a sense of relief fill you up. 

Her things are still here. 

"Thank god".

The words slip your lips before you can stop them and really, it doesn't matter. Because that is all you can say. There's no other way of explaining what you feel. Her things are still here, which means she'll come back. She would never leave her things. Her music equipment itself is something she would risk her life for.

“She'll come back”, you mumble to yourself and relax your shoulders. You close the door again and fall back against it. “She's coming back”. You let your head fall back and you can breathe easy again.

Vibrations spreads through your back and you realize that it comes from your phone in your back-pocket. You don't think about it for a moment, but then the hope kicks in and you can imagine Raven calling, which is everything you need to jerk it up almost too rapidly and end up fumbling with it before you can read the caller id.

A little tug pulls at your chest before you press the green button and turn the phone to your ear.

“Hey”.

_“Where did you go? I thought we were going out for lunch?”._

“Yeah, I know, sorry, I needed to get home and get something”, you ramble and leave your place at the door. “I can make up for it”, you propose and hear the little laugh on the other end.

_“What do you have in mind?”._

“Dinner, on me”, you answer without thinking and when you do, you frown. That means you won't have time to read through that paper, unless you get around to that right away. The thought of _that_ makes you frown for a second time. You get your bag from where you dropped it earlier at the door and throw it up on the kitchen island, it lands with a thud.

_“Sounds good to me. At seven?”._

“Sure”, you breathe out and run your hand along the kitchen island, it´s cold under your palm. You open the bag up and search through it for your paper, when you eventually find it most of the bag's content is spread over this end of the island. You can take care of that mess later, you think and sigh quietly.

 _“See you later, princess”_ , he murmurs and the tug pulls once again.

You leave the phone on the island and look back, eyes falling at the door with the flashback still playing in the back of your mind. "She's coming back", you repeat. Some part of you, deep and suppressed by more important parts, tells you that this is only you trying to convince yourself of a fact that will never be reality. A fact, a promise she'll never fulfill and that's all. You sigh once again and move over to the couch with the paper in hand.

Finn walks through the door half eight with an apologizing look. When you cross your arms over your chest he pulls out a rose, red of course, which stings in ways you know it shouldn't. You can feel yourself let go as your arms fall to the sides and a heavy breath evaporates from your parted lips.

"Sorry, I got held up", he says with a charming smile and yes, that smile can make you forgive almost anything and everything.

“I was counting on it”, you reply and he doesn't look either surprised or dissatisfied by your witty comment.

“I bet you did”. He kicks of his shoes and struts up to you. With another smirk he offers you the rose and as you grab it his fingers stroke yours. “Better put that in water”.

“Dinner´s ready”, you reply and walk past him to get a vase. 

Pasta is your thing, that and tomato sauce. So that´s what he finds when he sits down at the island, at the other end of the mess you haven't gotten around to yet. His eyes tell you that he´s quite pleased by that finding. You put the flower in a vase with some water and place it on the counter next to the fruit bowl before you sit down next to him.

“It looks good”, he says with a warm smile and follows up with a light kiss on your cheek. 

This is the side of him that no one really knows about. Finn has made a reputation of himself of being ignorant and obnoxious, but that is only one side of him. _This_ is the side he shows you when no one else is around, or when no one's paying attention. This is the part of your relationship that you adore and cherish. Really, when it comes down to it, this is why you're still with him. If he didn't have the ability to lay down the crap and actually just be a nice guy and boyfriend to you, he would never have been able to call himself even a part of your life. _This_ is also the hard part of being with him, because when you try to explain that this is really the guy he is you're usually met by a laugh or questioningly look. Which makes it hard to believe that this isn't just an act, because to others there´s no chance in hell that Finn Collins can be anything else than an arrogant idiot.

“Don't you wanna eat?”.

You are thrown back into reality as he penetrates your bubble and you force a smile. “Of course. Did you like it?”.

“It´s really good. It´s your specialty”.

The smile that fills your lips is genuine. He knows the right things to say to make you feel better, he knows you and remembers the small things about you. Just the other week he came by with a book that you'd talked about, just like that, because he had a copy and you'd mentioned that you wanted to read it. When you asked him why he did that, he said that knew he had it and had already read it, so. But you know, because you've been to his dorm, that his bookshelves are practically empty, which means that he had to go buy it and then come up with that story. Which of course made you feel a whole lot more for him than you already did.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?”, he asks and turns around, away from the sink, hands entangled with a towel. Besides the sink, on another towel in the same navy blue color, the dishes are placed in a very neat order. He has a thing about washing up after dinner, or any meal, by hand. It has something to do with how he was raised, at least that is what he insinuated when you asked about it.

“Not really”.

He hums and throws the towel in his hands onto the counter. “Tired?”.

You meet his waiting eyes, the tug at your chest pulls harder but it doesn't hurt. You suck in your bottom lip between your teeth, knowing that he struggles not looking down at your mouth. You shake your head.

“You're sure?”, he asks and takes a step to the side, lingering by the counter before taking another step toward you. “Because if you are, we can go to bed and just sleep”.

“Just sleep?”, you ask nonchalant and he wrinkles his nose.

“Yes. Sleep”.

“Hmm, yeah that would be good”, you reply and he takes another step. The heaviness in your chest sinks deeper and deeper down, dangerously close to hitting your center as he takes another step and is now standing just a few inches away. “Too bad I'm not tired”.

“Yeah”, he breathes out and looks down to you mouth, but back up again to your eyes. “Really, too, bad”.

You nod a little and meet his dark gaze. He pulls you in without a word and takes you into his arms, mouth crashing into yours and a yelp escapes your lips before it´s quieted. He smiles and as do you, but just for a moment. This isn't the long and teasing, soft thing that you normally go for. Right now you just need him.

You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him down as you demand access to his mouth with a determined tongue. He hums into the kiss and tighten his grip around your waist. His hands slip under the hem of your shirt and work their way up, pulling the shirt with them and you let him take it off. He dodges your attempt to reconnect with his lips when the shirt has been slipped of your head, instead he nips and kisses your neck, making you whine into his dark curls.

"This", you breathe and pull at his t-shirt. "Off, now".

He doesn't need any more encouragement, with a simple motion he takes off his t-shirt and you grab his neck before he has a chance to continue his treatment at your neck. He tastes of lust and heat when you kiss him, hard, and that's all it takes for you to feel everything at once. A little moan slips your tongue and he smiles, ever so slightly, before he lifts you off your feet and begin to stumble towards your room. Your legs throw themselves around his waist and squeeze to tell him to hurry up. You fall back first against the bed with him over you, his weight pushes you down and feels good in ways only his name rolling off your tongue can explain. He's quicker now, less attentive at you skin and more at your pants. You buck up your hips to help him and fall back down with a sigh stained by pleasure. He stands there at the foot of the bed and watches you with dark eyes, you watch him too, as his hands unbuckle his jeans and step out of them when they fall to the floor. His hands are smooth and warm when he runs them up your shins, scrapping at your thighs and towards the inside of them. A wicked smile fills his lips when you clench to the sheets with a swallowed back groan. With ease he places himself between your knees and pushes your legs apart with his hands reaching up your torso.

"Finn", you breathe and he answers with a kiss to your hip, one and then the other.

"Yes?", he murmurs as he brushes his open mouth over your skin.

Another moan and he rips of your boyshorts. You close your eyes and sink into the mattress. He sweeps his open hands over your legs, from you feet and up until his fingers are brushing against your bra. A chill follows under your skin where his hands barely touch. 

“Look at me”, he whispers and you breathe deep before doing as he says. He looks down at you with love glowing from his pitch dark eyes. He smiles comforting and you feel yourself mirroring it. When he sinks down in between your parted legs your breath hitches and he looks a little smudged by it, but it fades into a loving warmth. When he kisses you, you feel the tug at your chest and for the first time the thought hits you - it´s not the same as the tug at your center, they're not even related. You push that thought out of your mind and lean up to meet him in another kiss.

He penetrates with a deep throated groan which he presses against your neck, you can feel the vibrations from his whimpering lips, as he melts into you. He says something incomprehensible and you mumble in response, tell him to go faster. He ignites a fire inside you and it rumbles, pushes and promises to bring you to the edge. He knows your body like the back of his hand, every shiver moving along your limbs and with a swift movement he flips the both of you over. With another groan he grabs onto your hips and encourages you to set the pace. He looks vulnerable like this, vulnerable but powerful. Your hips rock back and forth, slight up and down again to meet his in a thrust.

“Fuck”, you mumble and clench your eyes tight. But his hand reaching up to your cheek tells you not to. You huff and open them wide, meeting his gaze once again. You can see the signs in the way he tenses up when you sink down and you're not there yet. You grab his arm and pull him up, hold him tight to your chest with your nails digging into his shoulders.

He moans loud and tighten his grip around your waist to steady your movements, making it easier to meet him in every thrust with as much power as he puts into his.

“Clarke”, he whimpers and strokes your neck, making you look at his sun kissed face. “I love you”, he whispers and you're right here with him, in this moment he´s everything.

(Still, the tug at your chest echoes loudly with the intensity of an electric bass.)

He brings you down when you've fallen off the edge and as you still shiver he covers you up in his arms. He places soft kisses to your hands, wrists, collarbones and cheeks. All while slowly falling asleep and soon he is far down into his dreams, with his arms clutching to one of the pillows, face turned to you with a half open mouth.

It's a harsh thought. Worse than harsh. Still you can help but think it. Maybe Finn isn't the simplest, loving, caring and understandable guy, but he's good as this. He's good at making you forget the things you have no control over. Like Raven. You have absolute zero control over her and can't anticipate anything when it comes to her, which is one of the reasons why you love her the way you do. It's also one of the things that makes it hard to be with her. Like today, with what she did. She just ran, she _kissed_ you and then just ran. You hadn't been able to ever see something like that coming, so of course it did. Maybe that's why you offered to cook for Finn and ask him to come over. Because he is the opposite of all that. 

\-----

You wake at seven, when your alarm goes of as usual. The drapes lets the sun shine in and welcome you to a new day since you didn't think of pulling them down the night before. Finn´s mumbling something into his pillow next to you. Nothing important apparently since he doesn't react to your lack of commenting.

"We need to get up", you tell him and he grunts as response. You can't help but smile- he´s like a little boy sometimes, it´s sweet. He turns on his side to face you.

"Or, we can just lie around in bed all day", he murmurs and traces the curve of your waist down to your hipbone with light fingertips. "You got what, one class?".

"Your point being...".

"Skip it", he says with a charming smile. The kind Raven would roll her eye at. "Stay here, with me", he tells you and those words erase the thought of the tug at your chest.

"Finn".

He props himself up on his elbow to look down at you. "Come on Clarke, your grades are all set and no one's gonna miss you there anyway".

You laugh sarcastically at him and roll your eye. "Way of convincing me", you reply and roll out of bed. He falls back onto his back with a sigh.

"You know what I mean".

You turn to look at him, but he´s rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "I'm already up".

"Yes, but you're not _up_ up", he´s quick to reply and you laugh back at him. Predictable little boy, you think and pick up the closest shirt you find along with a pair of pants.

"You're such a dork".

"Your dork".

You leave him in your bed. The apartment echoes silent, a depressing silence. Your gaze immediately fall to Raven´s door, but it is as closed as you left it the night before and no sign of Raven is there to find. You get the coffee started and with it brewing in the background you turn to the pile of mess still spread over one of the sides of the kitchen island. You sigh and decide to throw everything back into the bag. From your room the well known melody of Finn´s ringtone sounds, but it ends abruptly as Finn´s voice replaces it. You can't hear what he's saying, and you don't care enough to change that. You pick up the last notepad, in which your paper´s lays. But when you lift it up your hand grabs something else, under it. You turn you hand to lay eyes on a CD in it´s cover. You don't recognize it or remember putting it here. When you've put the notepad away you take the CD in both hands, when opening the cover you feel a knife cut into your stomach, angled upwards, to your heart.

“Raven”, your lips whisper the name like prayer, but it´s not one for a God. It´s a prayer for forgiveness. Forgiveness only _she_ would be able to give you. Hopefully she will too someday. You don't have to play it to know which song that would fill every space of this apartment, of your body and throw you right back to that first night. Though, you turn to play it anyway.

That´s when you see it.

You notice the corner of it first, it looks like nothing, all you really see is one letter. But it´s all it takes, because you know Raven´s handwriting as good as your own. You lay the CD down next to you and with the index finger and the middle finger placed on the corner of that piece of paper you draw the rest of it out from under the others. Your breath hitches, dies and sinks to crash at the pit of your stomach. 

“No”.

_Take care of yourself. I love you Clarke.  
/R_

“No”, you beg and gasp for air. “Fuck you”. The words form themselves. It´s easy. And true. She didn't even care to stay long enough to tell you herself. 

She left a note.

“Fuck you Raven!”, you hiss and crumble the piece of paper in your hand in to a ball of uselessness. She didn't care to stay. She ran.

You throw the ball without looking and as you look up you find Finn watching you, confused to the edge of asking you if you've lost your sanity. Maybe you have. You force a breathe as he examines your face with careful eyes. Your lungs scream and beg for more, but it hurts more to breathe than to not. So your breaths are shallow.

“You okay?”, he asks and the way his tongue forms the words with such care scares you more than feeling as trapped in your skin as you do in this very moment.

“I'm fine”, you tell him.

It´s the first lie to leave your lips.

(But far from the last.)

“Okay. I'm gonna go help Jasper with something, I´ll be back in a few hours”. You nod in response and he smiles comforting, what he doesn't know is that _that_ too hurts you. “We should get packing”. He kisses your cheek in passing and it´s luck, you believe, that he doesn't pick up on the way you flinch. 

You watch the door open and close behind Finn once again. You rush into your room to retrieve your phone- it´s your only hope. You stumble back out from your room with the phone in your hand, fumbling to dial the right number. You end up standing were you a couple of minutes earlier stood and your eyes fall down to the note. A part of you wants to hope, but you know Raven to well. There´re only a handful things she wouldn't tell you, things that became fewer with time, but so it seems there´re certain things she didn't tell you. Couldn't tell you. You dial the number and listen to the tones. One after another. With every one that passes that hope of yours crumbles.

 _“This number has been disconnected -”_ , you put the phone down. With a deep breath you try to collect what's left of your patience and sanity. When your eyes once again fall to the phone yet in your hand, there´s only one thought left in your head. One you wouldn't mind forgetting, but it´s too late.

He picks up on the third try with a sigh.

_"Clarke"._

"Please Lincoln, I know that you probably don't want to talk to me but I really need your help", you ramble and bite your tongue. Going off on one won´t do you anything, especially with a man like Lincoln. "Do you know where she is?".

He sighs deeper this time, tired. _"Sorry, I'm on her side"._

"So there are sides now?", you ask with a harshness to your voice that you wish he didn't hear.

Of course he does.

 _"Yes. She doesn't want to see you, talk to you or have_ anything _to do with you"_ , he replies and you close your eyes as the words sink into you, digging holes in your chest to make more room for the helplessness.

The door is flung open behind you with a slam and you almost jump out of your skin with a yelp.

Finn looks at you with surprise, a bit of mockery as well. "Oh sorry, babe". He points to your room. “I forgot my bag”.

You open your mouth to answer him, but someone is quicker.

_"Who was that?"._

You hide your shivering lips in your palm and watch Finn disappear into your room, out of reach to hear your conversation. "Nobody".

Bitter laugh echoes from the other side of the call. _"See, this is why she's gone Clarke"_. You can't help but draw for air, but it doesn't soothe your lungs. _"Let her go"._

"I can't", you whisper in despair.

_"Why?"._

"Because she-". There´s no words to explain the ache spreading from your chest. How much you miss her voice and presence. How not having her here with you, knowing that she's safe and taken care of, slowly kills you from the inside. "She's my best friend", you answer within time and Lincoln draws for a deep breath.

 _"You were never hers"_ , he tells you and something breaks within you with a silent scream. _"Goodbye Clarke"_.

Finn once again appears in your door, but he doesn't stop this time to observe you.

Maybe it´s for the best.

\-----

It´s been a long time since you last went on vacation. You must have been seven when you went to Spain, before that your father used to make sure to book a week off every summer so that he could take you fishing. It used to be your favorite part of the year- just the two of you in boat, far away from the buzz of the city. Not that you didn't like being with your mother, but your father was different. He understood you in a way she´s never been able to do. It seems so long ago. A whole lifetime. And really, it´s been a long time. But the memories are still with you, that´s one of the reasons why you can't make yourself pick up the phone when your mother calls. 

The last time you flew you did so to get away from your hometown. That was almost one year ago. You were nervous then, for what college would be like and if you would be able to forget. The forgetting part you realized wasn't going to happen, but college was a whole lot better than you've dared to hope for. Many reasons because of Raven. You haven't been able to forget about her note and it´s importance. You've felt like you haven't been able to breathe for soon to be a day. 

A day spent with Finn.

He´s taken you to NY. The great city full of life and prosperity. Yet, there´s no life left in you. At least no energy. Luckily he didn't question your appeal to stay at the hotel for the rest of the afternoon. You may or may not have said something about feeling sick, which is uncharacteristic of you- you're not much for a liar, at least not when it´s unnecessary. But the line between necessary and not has turned blurry.

You drop your bag next to the foot of the bed, a king size. By the look of the hotel and the room you're celebrating something. What, you're not sure. But Finn is a spender, so it could be that too. No matter what, you're exhausted and you can't blame it on jetlag. Finn found the couch pretty much the second you walked in and he is now placed in it, in front of the TV. Some rerun of an old black and white movie is on, which is not the normal think of him to watch. But nothing seems normal anymore.

You fall back on your back with a sigh you've kept in since you left the apartment. All you need is some peace and quiet. But that is the last thing you're mind will give you. Every thought is related to the five letter name. Raven. Raven. Raven. That´s all. When air fills your lungs, they breathe Raven. When you relax your muscles, they sing Raven. And when your eyes flutter close to escape the sunlight, the image of Raven emerge from the dark. With the growing feeling of panic you sit back up and run both hands through your hair, you pull it back and up into a ponytail.

You escaped Finn´s presence, afraid that he would take a look of you in the right light and see the things hidden behind your eyes. But you find yourself leaving the bed to escape yourself, at least near him you'll have something else to think of. But you bring your notepad with you, just in case. You pull up your legs under you when you've placed yourself on the opposite end of the couch. Finn eyes you, but doesn't say anything. His eyes retreat to the TV. He hasn't done anything wrong, you know that. But being in his presence picks at your thoughts, makes them grow a shade darker and some of them are too dark for the light of day. You're scared that he'll see the growing darkness in you, the emptiness and all the questions he can't possibly answer or understand. You doodle at the blank page, light strokes melts in with others and it´s a mess. A reflection of the wrecked that is your bundle of thoughts.

"Why so serious, princess? I thought we were here to have fun and relax", Finn comments and you can see him watch you, but your eyes are focused on the pen. He shakes his head with a huff, but doesn't look away from your face. That's when you realize how tense you actually are. Eyes close for less than a second, a deep breath rumbles through lungs and falls of a red pair of lips. You ignore Finn´s frown with all your strength and let your hand steer the pen from one corner to another. "Have I done something? You seem pissed". Sometimes, like today, like right now, you question your every decision made with him. 

Why can't he just shut up and let me be, you wonder, but your tongue makes sure it stays as a thought.

"No, why would you think that", you force yourself to answer, but there´s nothing invested in your response. You don't even care enough to look up to meet his awaiting eyes. Sarcasm has never been your thing, but so it happens, it has become something that doesn't taste as unfamiliar on the tip of your tongue anymore. 

"I guess it's true".

You let your notepad fall to your lap with a sigh. "What is?", you ask and look up from the page. Finn smirkes at your side, but his eyes are no longer on you. You can see the reflection of the TV in them and in profile you notice that he has marks of too little sleep under them.

"You become how you socialize", he says with a mocking smile. You bite back the harsh reply your lips wouldn't mind letting go of. "You're just like Raven. When she was really pissed off, she always found a project- something to keep her hands busy so she wouldn't punch someone in the face. You're like that too", he explains and when he says her name you feel every fiber of your body give in. Your weight push your body deeper down the cushions and the tug at your chest makes your lungs scream for something stronger than oxygen. 

"You didn't know her", you hiss as you struggle with barely hanging on to breathing normally.

Finn frowns with confusion and finds your panicked eyes. "I knew enough. She always had a new project". He´s kind earth brown eyes, the same ones that seemed so dark the night before, dark with lust and passion and want, looks at you, searching for something you're not sure he'll finds. Something you can't decide on whether you want him to find or not.

“Is that suppose to be funny?”.

“No. But you know, you haven't draw anything for three weeks and all of a sudden you decide to do it now, when you happen to be pissed off at me”.

“I'm not pissed”.

“Then what?”, he asks quickly and you breathe in the disappointment he filled the air with. Your mouth falls open, but nothing comes out. You bite your bottom lip and a smile stained with sorrow fills his lips. “See. You're just like Raven”.

He turns back to the TV and your gaze falls to the page again when nothing is keeping it up. 

“No, I'm not”, you mumble under your breathe, too quiet for him to hear, but enough to make him sigh with frustration.

Considering how the weekend started you didn't expect to do anything towards the night, but Finn convinces you to let him take you out for dinner. He might have said something about an apology, really, you were ready to give him one, but he was talking about himself and therefore he persisted with paying. He doesn't say much at first. Maybe he´s giving you space. When the waiter comes to take your order he waits for you before he orders anything at all and while you wait he only looks at you for seconds at a time. Until you can't stand the silence anymore and ask if he has heard anything from his professors. That gets him talking and when he starts, there´s no end to it. Not unless you make sure that there is an end, but for tonight he can hold the mic for as long as he wants to.

When he gets started on his plans for the future years, both in college and after, you zoom out. Somewhere around the time he mentions moving to LA to start up a business with Jasper and Monty your thoughts steer you toward thinking of your own future. You thought you had those plans set already. If Finn wanted to or felt like he had to move to LA, you would go too. There´s clinics and hospitals all over the country, world, you could work anywhere. So you would go with him ,because he is yours and you are his. You were going to convince Raven to come with you to LA. It could have been a starting ground for her career, a great one and she would flourish there. You would be happy, with Finn as your boyfriend and Raven as your bestfriend. Life doesn't always go as you plan. And now there´s only if´s, no when´s or how´s. Just if´s, the kind you won't be able to change to fit your wish.

You didn't get a chance to tell her about these plans. You thought there was going to be more time for that. 

For everything.

You can't blame Finn fort trying. He´s nice, reliable, honest and most of all, he cares for you. As he walks you back to the hotel, one hand laced together with one of yours, your mind takes you somewhere else. You wonder what _she_ thought of this, of seeing you with him, always together, always touching. He was always there and so was she, but you never saw her look at the two of you the wrong way. She never made a sound about how she felt, if she felt, that it was wrong. You make a mental note to make sure to ask her when she comes back home. There´re a lot of questions piling up, a lot of things you need to know, need to understand, if she'll let you.

When arriving back at the apartment on Sunday night, alone, all you want to do is to fall face first onto your bed and sleep away the memory of the weekend. You can still feel the ache at the bottom of your stomach from the acid your body was filled with looking at Finn´s expression when he knew that you were long gone. He knew, but some part of him bought your lie told with kisses and storks over his bare back. He knew, otherwise he wouldn't have let you take a cab back home to your apartment alone. he would never leave you alone, unless he sensed that you were already lost where only you can help yourself.

That of course isn't something you believe you can.

Legs carry you up the same stairs they've climbed hundred times before. With the bag slung over your shoulder you unlock the door and step in. Something is different. You just know it. A confusion makes you frown, but then the terror hits you like a slap to the face. The bag lands on the floor. Legs don't run fast enough, but you slam into the door and almost kicks it open before you can pull down the handle. You stumble in. And, there´s nothing.

The room has been cleared out. Any and every sign of _her_ has been swept away.

Your mouth falls open and it finally sinks in- you've lost her. She's not coming back. You betrayed her. You broke her. Your weight is too great for your knees to hold your trembling body up straight and you meet the floor with open hands, eyes closed but tears seeping out of the corners. Lungs beg for air, but you won´t give them it. The tug at your still chest makes your heart skip a beat.

She's gone.

Raven is gone.

The cry leaving your shivering lips is loud, silent, heartbreaking, soul shattering and terribly enough the only thing that makes you believe that your heart is still beating. But you wish it didn't, because this hurts more. 

The air doesn't even smell like her perfume anymore.

\-----

One of your most brilliant ideas was to apply for an extra course in biology over the summer. Or not. yet, here you are, stuck under the pile of classwork for a class you didn't really need to take or feel like taking at the moment. It has been three weeks of this. Three weeks since you came home from New York to find an half empty apartment. Three weeks of wondering where _she_ is and how she's doing. Three weeks of nothing.

Hearing nothing. Knowing nothing. Just silence.

You've been scrabbling for any amount of time that doesn't involve studying or sitting at home alone. Finn´s gone and has been for the last five days on a trip with Jasper and Monty. At the beginning you thought it was a great idea, because if he wasn't here he wasn't going to be able to pick up on your change of behavior. But it has been three days now when you can't do anything but think,of _her_. Everything in your normal day of living is stained with thoughts of Raven.

One minute you're angry with her. The other you swear to any god listing in that you´ll do whatever necessary to get her back. But then you cry, because it´s all your fault. You never knew that you were the kind to go crazy when left by someone you love. Love is weird like that. You love and you lose, but you never stop loving. For every moment that you're left alone with your mind you promise yourself to tell Finn that you love him. When he comes home. When he can look you straight in the eye and see the truth as it leaves your lips.

The Monday of the sixth week you wake up to the sound of yelling outside your front door. You hum into your pillow and groan when the yelling continue. With a sigh your hand searches for you mobile, with it in your hand you lift your head to check the clock. It´s 9:35am.

“Shit!”.

You fly out off bed.

“Shit, shit, shit”, you repeat as you leap for the first visible shirt. It´s a green one. Next to it lays a black pair of pants, the same ones you've been wearing all week. You've overslept. And today is the final day. You can't be late for that test.

You rush out to the kitchen and grab your work that you were up with all night studying. You're out of the door within the next minute and run down the stairs. As you get through the exit you search through your bag to make sure you got everything with you and you almost trips a man over.

“Sorry”, you force and add a apologizing smile to the girl who quickly moves out of your way as you set off for the lecture hall.

You never oversleep. Or, used to more like. But since the end of term your life has turned on its edge. Finn tried his best to handle you after you came home and found out that Raven had moved on. Not that you collapsed or something. You just thought that wouldn't happen. You never thought that she would pack up all her things and leave, without saying goodbye. Because that note doesn't count as a goodbye.

You jerk your phone out of your back pocket to check the time. You've got fourteen minutes left. A relieved smile fills your lips, but is replaced as you look up in the same second as you walk straight into a girl with her own gaze somewhere in front of her.

“Sorry, I'm a mess, you're the second person I've ran into. Sorry”, you ramble as you find your balance again and the girl laughs at you with a tender smile.

“It´s okay, but-”, she stops to look at you. “You're Clarke right, Clarke Griffin?”.

“Yes? Do I know you?”.

“No, but I've heard a lot about you”, you don't know how to react. “I'm Lincoln´s girlfriend”, she explains and points to herself.

“Oh sorry, I didn't-”.

“No worries, I figured he hadn't told you, I think the only one that knows is Bellamy and Raven”.

“Raven?”. The name tastes bittersweet and burns down your throat when you swallow it back down to find other words to match with it. “You know Raven?”.

“Yeah. Can't thank Lincoln for that, or Bellamy even though they both can't stop talking about her”, she smiles in a way that makes you take an extra breath, it´s just so honest and pure.

“Oh really. Have you talked to her lately?”, you ask and really, you can't decide on whether you want to know the answer or not.

No matter, she gives you one.

"Well, yeah once or twice. But she's been so busy with everything so she checks on email every three times a week or something".

"She emails with you", you breathe and feel the tug at your chest pull harder.

"Yeah?", Octavia asks with a furrowed brow. "Has something happened? Is that why she took off?".

"How much have she told you?".

"About what?". She looks even more confused and you can't really look at her without feeling guilty.

Thankfully your phone buzzes - a message from one of your classmates who wanted to make sure you knew that the professor changed location for the exam.

"I'm sorry, I really need to go. Can I give you my number, we'll talk later?", you patter and offer her your phone.

"Sure". She add her phone number and give your phone back. But she looks hesitating and you're about to ask about it when she meets your eye again. "Maybe I shouldn't say this, but nothing is as it normally is anymore so".

"So what?", you ask, she definitely got your attention now.

Octavia sighs and her fingers fumble with the hem of her shirt. "She's met someone".

You take a deep breath and try to control the storm tearing at your chest. "Who?".

"She wouldn't say".

The storm rips at your ribs, setting off an avalanche of pain and it tumbles through your whole body. "Okay. Call me later". 

Octavia nods and doesn't seem to move until you've left - you can feel her eyes on you as you walk away and you're really glad she can't see your face as it crumbles into a silent scream for help.

\-----

"My mother killed my father".

Finn jerks his head up from the magazine with a shocked expression. "What?"

"Not directly, but yeah, she did", you mumble and bite the corner of your lip, do finger nudging at your paper with doodling. 

He looks stunned and then, like water to paper, a pitiful half 'not knowing how to react' smile fills his lips and his eyes is colored with the same distasteful shade. "I'm sorry".

You nod, barely, and he returns to flipping through his magazine. Or more like flees from your gaze. You don't know what you thought would happen or what you wanted him to say, but this isn't it. You'd survive without a sympathy speech, but him saying practically nothing is just as bad.

You said it just because. With no alternative means. Still, your mind goes to the last time you told anyone about your messed up family situation. The last time ended a bit different - you were laughing so hard your stomach hurt and it blocked all the pain out. The last time your gaze was locked to a dark one that wouldn't let go off you until you smiled, truly and not fake as you've done a lot lately. Finn is many things, but he´s crap at making you feel good when all you really feel is fucked up. Raven was good at that. Raven knew exactly what to do or say to tune all the shit out.

Finn leaves a couple of hours later, without mentioning how weird you've been acting. he just grabs his bag, walk over to you, kisses you briefly and mumbles something about ´you smell insanely good´ and then he leaves. Without a word about the blank expression lingering on your face.

Before your mind can go to the thing it has gone to for the weeks after coming home and finding out that you didn't have roommate anymore, you grab your phone and dial the latest caller.

Octavia picks up almost immediately, with a easy and cheerful voice. _"Hi, Clarke. How are you?"_

"Hey. I'm fine, just bored and lonely".

_"But ey, I'm at Bell's, why don't you come over?"_

"You sure? I won't barge in on some brother-sister time?".

She laughs on the other end and you can hear Bellamy mutter in the background. _"You definitely won't. You'll more like save me from dealing with his broodiness on my own"._

You actually smile at that. She waits for you to answer and you sigh with relief. "Okay, I'll be there in a sec".

You knock on the door three times and then let the same hand run through your hair, pulling it back and then letting it fall down again over your shoulders. Bellamy opens the door and eyes you for second.

"Clarke".

"Bellamy".

When you don't break away from his gaze it turns warm and he lights up. With one step to the side he opens the door completely. "Come on in. Want anything to drink? Water? Wine? Vodka?", he asks and walks towards the kitchen, you know because his apartment is an exact replica of your own. You close the door and follow him. Octavia looks up from her phone where she's sitting in the couch with her legs pulled up under her.

"Wine is fine".

"Hey you", she says and reach for you to give you a hug. You accept it and relax when her arms squeeze you a bit tighter before letting go. "You look like a mess", she adds with a concerned frown.

"Thank you", you breathe and fall down onto the couch. When you meet her eye again she still looks concerned and a bit worried. "No seriously, I need someone to tell me that I look like shit".

"Okay, get comfortable and talk", she tells you and a hollow laugh breaks your lips before you can stop it.

"I'll rather not. What are you doing?".

Octavia gives you a wicked look and then leans back in her seat. "I'm trying to make Bell tell me why he hasn't been hooking up lately".

"My sister is extremely funny", Bellamy cuts in from the kitchen.

"I've noticed. But I'm intrigued now. Spill", you say and turn to Bellamy as he looks up at you.

"Yeah Bell, _spill_ ", Octavia agrees and he sighs heavy before leaving the counter with a wine glass which he hands you.

"Kill me now", he laughs and sits down between the two of you.

\-----

Summer is coming to an end. The apartment still feels empty and is very much empty in more ways than one. It´s only a week left of break. Somewhere on the way to this point you crashed from cloud nine, or at least a rooftop, because you've been bruised and sore in ways you've never been before. But crashing was the only way of making you come to the right conclusion, to see the truth as it has been staring at you for months now. 

Still, nothing can prepare you for this.

He takes a deep breathe with eyes widening and when he swallows hard you hold your breathe for a moment. 

“What?”.

“You heard me, Finn”, you say with a sigh.

He takes a step closer, jaws tensing up and veins popping out on his neck. “No I didn't. Because what I heard sounded a lot like a bad attempt at breaking up with me”, he still sounds calm but you know better than to believe it.

You shrug your shoulders and feel his eyes burn at your skin. 

“I'm sorry”.

“That´s all you have to say?” You look away from his face and feel the heaviness in the air, how it penetrates your very being. "Clarke, I love you, I'm in love with you. You can't just break up with me for no reason!"

That stings in ways you can't deal with. It makes you fire up to and when you look at him that is all you see - bright and red fire. That he would even try to use his love for you as a reason not for you to leave is beyond stupid. He if anyone should know that you do what's right for you, what´s right at the end and helps the bigger picture. In this case, the bigger picture is in fact _him_. 

"Watch me", you bite back and steer towards the door. He cuts in in front of you and turns to you as he block the door.

"Where do you think you're going".

"Let me out, Finn", you hiss and jaws ache from how hard you bite back every single curse word you know.

"Tell me why", he says with a terrifyingly calm and steady voice.

"Let me out!", you yell right in his face, but he doesn't flinch. "Finn I swear to god".

"Why?!".

"I can't pretend that I'm in love with you anymore!".

He stares wide eyes at you. The world tune out. There're only you and him, and the heavy breaths he takes. When you no longer can hold back you take in air as if it was a sedative. Maybe you hope for it too, that it will knock you out, let you get out of seeing him break. But he doesn't. Instead he smiles. Not in the mockingly way he usually goes for. No, this is tender, sad, but warm.

"Thanks, princess".

"For what?".

"Finally being honest, to yourself". You look back at him with confusion filling your face, but when he nods it fades away. You sigh deeply and feel the tension that built up in your muscles melt into relaxation. "Go", he says and nods to the door as he takes a step to the side.

"Finn I'm-".

"Don't be. I knew what I was getting myself into from the start. I should have known better. You don't owe me anything".

He smiles and if you had a heart to give him, you would give him it right here and now. When he takes a step to the side you think he does it to show that he´s done with this argument and that you can stop running, but then he reaches for his jacket. A numbness spread through your body and when he looks at you it´s heavy over your head. He opens the door but doesn't move.

You breathe out all the anger and pain you've kept in for the whole summer. You reach up to his face and place a soft kiss on his cheek. "May we meet again", you whisper and he smiles against your temple before he leans back as you do. He leaves without a word and, really, it´s better than any goodbye he could possible have given you.

When you find yourself alone, completely lonely with your own thoughts, a need crawls through your veins. Why stop telling the truth now, you wonder as your legs move at their own accord to the kitchen island. Your left hand cradle the pen and points it to the sheet of paper in front of you, barely touching the surface. Then it all pours out. Just like water when it overflows a glass, making it tip over and it all just appears right there. Right here, in your hands, are the words your mind been collecting and put together. It's out now, all of it.

With a deep sigh you sign it at the end and put down the pen next to the page. 

She'll never get it. Unless you do the thing you've been dreading to do. The hour is late and the streets lay empty. The air is stained by summer and promises, hope and love. You walk with steps that try to be determined, but they are flawed with fear. During the summer you've gotten to know Octavia, but Lincoln has been cold from the start. He meant what he said about choosing sides - he was definitely a part of team Reyes. Even though you never really understood why there had to be sides. You haven't been alone with him since that night out with the whole gang, in late May. But you remember the directions to his apartment, crystal clear. Which is why your fingers cramp around the envelope, crumbling it at its edges.

Octavia has been working on Lincoln, as far as you know her attempts has only lead to arguing and her staying over at Bellamy´s place. You're grateful for her doing anything at all since she's a good friend to Raven. She gave you an explanation once on why she cared the way she does, it had something to do with a past relationship. The fact that Lincoln sees Raven as the sister he never had didn't make anything easier, and you can't blame him, she's too good to not fall in love with in one way or another. You know, because she's the only person besides Finn that you've opened up with.

When you reach his apartment and stand there in front of the door you're shaking so much you might just pass out. So you ring the bell before that can happen. You're mind goes blank and your heart thumps heavy in your chest. He opens when you breathe out, almost relieved that he´s not home, with his reading glasses on and in sweats.

“Clarke?”.

You meet his confused look and gulp. “Hi”.

“What are you doing here?”, he asks with a coldness to his question. Your mouth falls open, but nothing comes out. He frowns. You gulp once again and force a deep breathe before you offer him the envelope.

“Can you give this to her?”.

He looks down at your hand, still frowning. When he looks back up to your eyes pain stains his friendly eyes. You realized a while ago that he too lost someone when _she_ , which shows clearly now.

“Clarke-”, he begins but you cut him off before he can tell you no.

“I can't just forget about her. I need her to know that and that I´ll be here no matter what she wants. I know that I deserve nothing and that you believe that I deserve nothing. I don't want anything in return. All I want is for her to know how I feel, how wrecked I've been over losing her, over missing her very presence every single day and can't help but think things like ´I need to tell Raven about this´ or ´Raven would love this´. Please, I just wants her to know that I'm sorry”. You take a deep breath and watch him. He´s just standing there, barely looking at you. “Lincoln, I'm begging you”, you whisper and feel the prickle behind your eyes. But you swallow back the tears before they threaten to ruin your ever so little self-control.

“Fine”, he sighs and accepts the envelope. He turns it in his hands to the side marked with _Raven_. “I´ll make sure she gets it”, he says and smiles politely.

“Thank you”.

You leave when he closes the door, But you only make it to the sidewalk before you have to sit down and recollect yourself. At least the little bit that can be collected.

\-----

_Raven  
I do not know where you are or in whose arms you rest. All I know is that I am here. And you are somewhere else. I have come to realize, more and more, that I was undeniably unknowing of my own fault in what happened. I did have an inkling. No, that´s a lie. I knew that you felt something, but I could not let myself believe it. So I did not. I have myself to blame for you leaving. Nothing hurts more than realizing this, but what wants to heal must first be broken. I am broken, Raven. I never understood the thought of living a nightmare, to wake up and still be asleep, but the days and nights in the lack of your presence has taught me how it feels to fear the sun and the moon. _

_I can imagine you here, just like you were, your laughing gaze and shining smile, your wise words and the arguments you got yourself into, you. I can imagine you. I am going crazy thinking of you. Missing you. Dreaming of you. Everything in my life remind me of the things we shared. And God, I can not stand it. I listen to your song as a prayer. I read your last words as the reminder they are of what I let slip through my fingers. And God, I hate myself for not running after you faster, for not convincing you to stay._

_I feel lost. Without a home I am lost. And the sad part is that I have this, our home, still. But I do not need four walls and a roof. I need a pair of hands and a heartbeat. Skilled hands. Broken heartbeat. I need the one who made me laugh when all I saw was pain. The one who insisted to stay by my side through the shaky nights. I need the one and only person in this life who I have ever loved, completely and soul shattering._

_I wish I could find the words to explain all the things that have been left unsaid. And I wish that I could find a way of bringing this to you myself. But I have come to realize that you do not want me in your life anymore. I can only respect that. Maybe hope for a change. But I will respect you and your wishes._

_Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?_

_I love you.  
C_

\-----

It´s the first day back at college. 

That sounds wrong, because you've been back for weeks and attended college too, so it´s more appropriate to simply say that it´s the start of a new year. It kicks off with that you wake up way too late, at Bellamy´s. He mumbles something in his sleep and you scratch at your scalp trying to figure out where and when you came here. You were out the night before, with him, Lincoln and Octavia. That much you remember. With every piece of clothing you find and put on the puzzle starts to come together and in the back of your mind last night plays up like film. You drank too much. Bellamy was sober. You couldn't find your keys, so he insisted that you'd stay over at his place. He offer to take the couch, but you refused, so after he had asked ten times over and over if you were sure and absolutely okay with sharing a bed with him, his bed, he crawled in with you. You just sleep. Nothing else. You don't even feel relieved, because you know yourself enough to know that you wouldn't sleep with Bellamy Blake no matter how drunk you were, and he wouldn't do that to himself either.

Neither of you could do that to the people you love. It doesn't matter that _they_ don't give two fucks about what you do or don't.

You sneak out of the apartment with one hand closing the door behind you, the other deep down your bag, trying to find the keys you could find a couple of hours ago. You end up turning the bag inside out, with the content on the floor by your door you find the keys mashed in between the pages of the book Octavia borrowed you. You open the door and throw the bag up on the island. In your mind you've been counting the minutes since you checked the clock by Bellamy´s nightstand. You're late. If you hurry up and change clothes you could possible make it in time before the door´s been shut too your first lecture. It would be a close call and considering how you feel the odds are against you. Mr Chandler isn't late with reprimanding those who are late, and that too isn't something you're up to right now.

“Great start”, you mumble and scratch once again at your scalp.

You mutter in silence and look around. The apartment looks the same as it has done for the whole summer- empty. Even though there´s furniture and the walls are covered with art, it´s still empty. Naked even. You know why and the tug at your chest reminds you of it once again. The floor creaks behind you and for a moment you figure that Bellamy has woken up too and wanders about to find you, but if that was the case then you would have heard his door open.

And you didn't.

“I heard you've been trying to get a hold of me”, a familiar and missed voice murmurs and you can't move, too scared that if you turn around she'll be gone as the dream she is.

“It´s true”, you breathe out and the air is heavy. Your inside turn to fire and there's not enough room for everything in that crave to be known and felt.

“Clarke”, the way she says your name opens up the wounds you tried to care for. The defense you thought you had and proudly held onto crumbles down to nothing. “Look at me”.

You take a deep breath and scratch at your palms, nails digging deep down into your flesh. Then you turn. 

She looks at you with that dark gaze of hers and it hits you. how could you ever confuse the feeling in your stomach with anything else than pure and intoxicating love. She smiles a little, it´s stained with pain and hurt. She wears experience like a queen and the time you've spent apart becomes almost more than untouchable. She looks the same, but not at all. It´s not the same person although they look a like. 

“Hi”, you sigh. You can see the strain filled with confusion sweep through her eyes. She looks so out of place standing there, in her red jacket and weared out jeans, barely within the holds of these walls. Yet, there´s nowhere else you want to see her.

She breathes out heavy. “Hi”.

No dream have ever began with this, or ended either. Even though you've been doing a lot of dream over the last few weeks, this is not how you thought it would happen. If it ever was to happen.

“Where have you been?”.

She chuckles and runs a hand through her hair, which makes your fingers tingle. You can feel the strands of that raven colored hair between them and it makes your heart whimper.

“Around. Here, there and all over the place. How long do you got?”.

You can't help but smile. She's the same. A whole other person, but still, she's the same. She's Raven Reyes, the girl who offered to carry your things when you showed up at the apartment with your whole life, the girl who filled your lungs with laughter when there´s only pain, the one who stood by you even though it hurt her to do so.

“How long are you staying?”, you ask in reply and she shrugs her shoulders. “Raven”.

She tenses up and you bite your tongue, scared that you crossed some line. But then she takes a step closer and looks around. “Make me a cup of coffee and I´ll tell you everything”.

You relax your shoulders which were drawn up a second earlier. “Everything?”.

“Everything”.

You can't for the love of God understand what it is that makes you move, but that is what you do. You get the coffee started, in the corner of your eye you watch Raven turn back to the door to close it and then she disappear out of your periphery, a moment later she pulls out a chair and it hums when she sits down at the island. You're leaning with hands resting on the counter, on either side of the coffee machine, unsure about how your lungs are even taking in air or how your heart hasn't lost its control yet. You pour two cups of coffee and turn around to the island. You hand her one of the cups and looks over at the chair by her side, but you can't find it in you to be closer to her. It´s something that restrains you from doing that. She looks a little disappointed, but sips at her coffee under silence.

“How you've been?”, you ask when the silence has grown too big and intense and she smiles politely back at you, but it´s weary.

“Good, really good actually”. Her finger fidget with the cup, follows the edge and down to the table again, around the sides and then she cups the whole thing with both hands. “I got a job in LA”.

“Really, that´s great”.

“Yeah, it is. It´s only at a small studio, but you know, I get to play around with some music so I'm all good”. She looks happy, really happy. There´s nothing fake or forced to her smile, and her eyes proves that she's telling the truth. “How about you? How´s Finn?”.

Your eyes falls to the cup in front of you, down to the black and steaming You swallow hard and wet your lips before you can bring yourself to look her in the eye again. “We broke up”. She doesn't move, or look away. “I broke up with him”.

“Why?”.

You want to tell her the obvious, you know why, but you don't. It´s too hard to get that set of words out, so you swallow them right back down. “It didn't work”.

“Why not?”. She still hasn't moved and your eyes are still locked.

“He wasn't the one”, you confess. That´s really what it is - a confession. With that the pressure eases and you take a deep breathe before you let go. “To be truly honest with you, my heart wasn't in it”.

“I get that”, she says and when she blinks, it´s the first sign of her being anything else than stone in this very moment. She looks down for a moment and you can't help but feel the want to reach forward, lift her chin up and let her into the parts of your inner that you didn't know you had to share before. “So have you found someone else to give that heart to?”, she asks. When you don't answer she looks up again, with confusion and weakness to her dark eyes.

“I had someone, but then I lost-”, you laugh a hollow laughter and push yourself away from the island. She's watching your every move. You take a deep breath and close your eyes. “Her”. Another confession. It´s quiet. So you open your eyes again and this time she looks baffled. “I lost her”.

“Clarke”.

“Did you get my letter?”.

Her eyes smile back at you for a split second, just long enough for you to notice it. “I did”, she says with a steady voice but then her heads tilts a fraction to the side and she looks at you with pity. “Clarke”.

“I meant it. Every single word”. You lean back over the island, closer to her now. She avoids your gaze and you can't read her anymore. Too much has happened for you to do that. “That was my heart, written in ink, on paper”. 

“Clarke”.

“Who is it?”.

“Who is what?”, she replies and jerks her head up. She looks profoundly confused and it irritates you that she can't just say it, get it over with, stop playing around with you.

“That person you found, the one you love”, you answer and it´s harsh, filled with anger, sorrow, helplessness and complete and utter exhaustion.

Nothing happens. She doesn't respond. Then, she smiles. It´s an honest, tender and loving smile. The kind that makes you remember all the happy moments you dream of every night when your past gets the chance of torturing you. 

“I've only loved one person, Clarke”, she whispers with eyes locked to yours. They tell you that she speaks the truth, which only makes you even more confused than you ever been before this moment.

“But Octavia she-”.

“She said what needed to be said”, she interrupts and a little giggle plays on her voice, but it doesn't break through. She smiles once again in that tender way as she says, “to make you stop”.

You breathe in the moment, let it fill you up and for the first time in a long time it doesn't hurt. She's still smiling when you walk around the island, to her side.

“Raven”. You know the words. You've been dreaming of this moment for weeks and planed exactly what to say. You really need to say it. She meets your gaze and its anxious. "I'd pick you first". When she doesn't say anything in response you take a step closer and gently brush a string of her hair out of her face to hook it behind her ear. "Please let me pick you first", you beg and she giggles softly.

"Always?", she asks and you don´t save a second thought to answer her.

Instead your lips are on hers. Hard. Soft. Begging. She smiles gently against your mouth and your lips imitate hers. She tastes of coffee and warmth, the kind of warmth you've never tasted before. You give her a light kiss before leaning back an inch to meet her eyes.

"Always".

This time she's the one to launch for your mouth and she smiles into the kiss before brushing her tongue across your bottom lip. When she breaks through your lips a little yelp slips them and she giggles into your mouth. 

“I'm so late for class, but I don't care. I want to stay here, with you”, you mumble against her lips. She hums and takes a step back with a wicked expression in her eyes.

“Technically, I'm still enrolled. I could come with you”.

“Really? I thought you'd quit”.

She shrugs her shoulders and looks down at your laced hands. “Maybe I never planned on leaving for good”.

You squeeze her hands with yours, making her look up again. “You better not start making those plans now”, you warn and she nods.

“I won´t. Unless you make them with me”.

You can't help the smile filling your lips. She leans her forehead against yours and breathes deeply. Her breaths caress your face so gently, leaving shivers moving all over your body.

"You're late", she mumbles out of nowhere. You lean back to look at her, but she isn't smiling no more. Instead she looks hollow. Far away. Blurry even.

"What is it?", you ask and squeeze her hands again. But it feels different. You're squeezing air. "Raven".

"You need to wake up".

"What?".

She breathes out heavily and with it she fades faster. You feel the numbness in your body. You want to scream. Tell her to stay. Tell her that you love her, that you need her here with you. That it is here she is suppose to be. 

"You need to wake up, Clarke", she murmurs as your eyes fall shut.

"Wake up, Clarke", a deep voice tells you and you peek out from heavy eyelids.

"Bell?".

"Hey. I've been trying to wake you up for the last ten minutes now", he sits down beside you with a comforting hand on your hip. He looks barely awake himself with that untamed hair and sleepy eyes. "What were you dreaming?", he asks with a warm tone to his question.

"Huh?". You rub the sleep out of your eyes and then fall back onto your back, with Bellamy's hand now holding him up as he leans back with it supporting him on the bed.

"You were mumbling something about 'I'd pick you' something".

"Ehmm it was nothing". He furrows his brow and shoots the other up - he doesn't believe you. But he won't say anything about it. You sigh as the memory of black hair and mesmerizing eyes settles at the back of your mind. "Just a dream", you mumble.

"I'll walk you to class", he says and shakes your leg before standing and disappearing into the bathroom.

A tear slips through your guard and dances down your cheek, burning as it falls to hit the pillow next to your head.

"Always", you mumble as you throw the sheets off of you.

**Author's Note:**

> find me at inspiration-feeds-creatiivity.tumblr.com


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